The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
