Whod you bang
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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