im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
