Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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