he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I could fuck to npr.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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