He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
