So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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