Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
