You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
