I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
