From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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