guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
