i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
