You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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