I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
