I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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