You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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