Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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