Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
