Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
