Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
