I hate all girls vehemently.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize