Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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