Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
