So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
