On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
