my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
