I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
