hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We have started to decorate penises.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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