Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
