the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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