they need to just BURY HIM!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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