you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
