i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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