I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
