My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
