if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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