I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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