The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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