i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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