My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
