I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
