I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize