Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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