yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
