how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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