I'm drive I can fine osifer
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
