This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am available for nakedness
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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