but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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