I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
