Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
