Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
