I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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