My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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