moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
