Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
