Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
