im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
