I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
