My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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