Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
God I need to hump something, right now.
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