if you like me you must not know who I am
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you didnt know i had herpes?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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