I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize