JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
