I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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