I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
