im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
