yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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