he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
