it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
